Best movie title EVER

IMDb

I have got to see this film!

All insurance agents and lawyers can rot in hell.

An old Monday Meme

I'm awake early so I guess I'll blog. I think I may be addicted to this.

Monday Meme 17 : 2005-09-12 : Singing in the Rain

1. Do you like when it rains? Do you mind thunderstorms?

I love the sound and smell of rainstorms. I love lightning and thunder. The wilder the lightning, the better. I was once riding (ie not driving) from Lincoln to Chicago. Across Iowa there was the most spectacular Lightning I'd ever seen. From horizon behind to horizon ahead, full sky illumination in intricate lace patterns that made the night as bright as day.

2. What is your ideal climate or weather conditions to live in? Is that the climate where you live?

Moderate summers. Not much above 90F. Winters with snow. Four seasons. I used to live in Nebraska. They only have two seasons. Hot and Cold. No real spring or fall. N. Illinois is OK. Summers are a bit hot, but winters are nice.

3. What is the worst weather you've ever experienced?

Weather is only "worst" if you're out in it, trying to overcome it. One year, driving in Tenn. it was raining so hard I could not see the car in front of me. Rain that was a solid grey fog all around the car. One of the only times I had to pull over, I literally could not see the road. Netherlands had some spectacular FOG. Not just fog, but FOG. Again, so dense that you could only see the taillights of the car ahead, not any of the shape of the car. You couldn't see 20' ahead. I loved it. It was great for walking in.

4. Do you watch or read the weather regularly? What source do you use (internet, local news, etc...)?

I'll occasionally catch the weather channel. Occasionally a local newscast. I prefer to watch the regional weather maps and make my own conclusions. The professionals are more often than not wrong, relying too much on the National Weather service to give them the answers, when a quick look at the map will tell you better.

5. What is the one weather condition you could happily live without?

I can't think of one. Except if you count extreme heat as a weather condition. It's more a lack of weather condition. I love rain. I love snow. Hail is cool. If you don't like your prevailing weather, move. If you don't like Hurricanes, don't live in a hurricane zone. If you don't like earthquakes, don't live in California.

I was the 293rd person to take this week's Monday Meme!

I'm going to hell

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!

The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to...

Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge

---

Many and varied sinners suffer eternally in the multi-leveled Malebolge, an ampitheatre-shapped pit of despair Wholly of stone and of an iron colour: Those guilty of fraudulence and malice; the seducers and pimps, who are whipped by horned demons; the hypocrites, who struggle to walk in lead-lined cloaks; the barraters, who are ducked in boiling pitch by demons known as the Malebranche. The simonists, wedged into stone holes, and whose feet are licked by flames, kick and writhe desperately. The magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, and panderers are all here, as are the thieves. Some wallow in human excrement. Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sick on the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite them with its hammer.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

New toys

So I finally did it. I just ordered my camera online (this is the msrp price, not what I paid). I've been irritating people at work asking about their cameras and then scoping online and in shops in town for various ones. Sams had the lower model from this one, but I figured that I'd spring for the extra pixilation. They also had a Samsung that was really tempting. It had the same optical zoom but more digizoom. same pixils. same batt config (AAs). Slightly cheaper than the w7 was online. Then I found a camera place on line offering the w7 for even less. And it's Sony. So it came down to the debate of buy/get it now! or cheaper price but wait for shipping. I'm cheap, and patient. 7-10 working days isn't really that long. I figure that I can pick up accessories locally. With what I'm saving, I can buy a better card, and more batteries! Though I was tempted at the last minute by a 10 MPixel camera by BellHowell. But slightly out of my price range. Seven isn't much less than 10, right?
Now, What was that I said about being patient...?

Another confusing party

Tonight was opening night for Tavern. Show went well. Show's too long. Party afterwards went ok too. Not enough food. Enough wine. I invited K to join me. She was happy to come because she might not have on her own, and she knows a few of the actors, and most of the crew, though she hasn't been active at our theatre in several months. I always enjoy spending time with her. She's closer to my age(actually older) and is very attractive in her own way (isn't everybody?). We have this ongoing joke between us that we are continually dating. We started dating when LotR movies came out. Each year we made a date to see them at the first showing. Since those ended, we've found excuses to go out several times. We even have another one for next month to see a band here in town. But speaking of bands.
For the past week S has been telling me about this band playing down the street. The Tossers. Irish punk rock. She discovered them in Chicago at a punk festival. She has been saying that I had to hear this band, that we'd go out after the show and the band started at midnight. I thought that this was a neat idea, and was really looking forward to clubbing with S. I knew I'd catch hell from Wife, but oh well, I don't care and she'll get over it. Well, as the night progressed, I realized that my idealized vision of the nights events were not to be. She was telling everybody about the band and the outing was turning into quite the gig. On the upside, and here is the confusing part, E was there. She had been drinking already and had quite the buzz on after the show, and before the band. Evidently, when she's drunk, I'm tolerable. She was very friendly, and outgoing, lots of touching and hugging. This is a good thing. This is almost always a good thing. Except when you can't touch her back or even hug her. S, at least, doesn't seem to have a problem with me being physical in that way. Which is good, cause she's very huggable. But I can never let myself be myself again; I'll never trust myself again not to go too far. It really felt good though, to have S seem to really want me there, even though I had to do the social niceties and 'ditch my date', er, I mean, walk K back to her car after the show, since she didn't want to see the band. So I had to hook up with them later at the bar. That was the next bad omen. This bar has abysmal sound. not bad, just that either the band or house mix doesn't know what sound is. They equate quality with volume. If it's loud it must be good. The band was halfway decent. I really don't know if, given a good mixer, would be really good or really suck. So much crap can be buried in LOUD sound. After an hour my head was pounding and couldn't hear ANYTHING ANYBODY WAS SHOUTING INTO MY EARS. Another person in the outing is one of our crew people, a new person, call her C. She is one of those people who, I suspect, might like me enough to take to bed, if I so desired. I won't say I haven't thought about it(I always think about sex), but I don't find enough chemistry with her to follow up on it. Anyway, she was rather clingy, and knew some people there that she wanted to introduce me to. I put her off for a while. Then E came up and said SOMETHING IN MY EAR THAT I DIDN'T CATCH, but then went off with S, arm in arm up the stairs to the balcony. They didn't come back for some time, and C asked again if I wanted to go up and meet these people. Up was the key word. OK we go up and it's a small balcony. There's the sound mix station, and a narrow balcony around the main floor. But no S and E. Gone. Poof. Some other of their friends, but no them. So after the obligatories to C's friends, I made excuses, and left. My head was pounding, I was really feeling alone, and if I were to stay, I would start drinking really heavily, which would not be good for either the drive home, or the reception when I got there. All in all, it was a good time. I wish I could have spent more of it with E and S, but they're both too good looking and too young not to have a bevy of young admirers always in their orbit. No way I can compete with that. And S, as always when she gets dolled up, looked really hot.
So now I'm back at home, blogging in bed, alone and as frustrated as ever, wondering if I should stop drinking (another episode from tonight prompted this thought), or drink more.
Still waiting for that click.

zoning out

Have you ever looked at your hands? I love looking at the print patterns on not just the fingertips, but each joint of the finger, and the palm. How the lines are interrupted for past old scars and that funny M pattern that palmists love to superanalyze. Remembering the how and why of each scar on my hands (or most of them anyway. Where did THAT one come from?). There is the old saying, I know it like the back of my hand. When was the last time you looked at the back of your hand? And touch memory. Remembering the softness of a lovers skin (or, only vaguely remembering from the depths of time), and the pleasure that those fingers can bring. And the pain that they can cause. Stick with the pleasure, much more enjoyable memories.

Ok, my laundry is probably done, and I can finally get dressed and go to work.

One of my favorite passtimes

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not always a good thing, as I tend to overanalyze things. But that's not always a bad thing either. One thing I do to amuse myself is actually an excersize in empathy. What is another person like? What makes them who they are, do what they do? So I try to imagine what they think about when they're doing mundane tasks alone. Showering. Getting ready for bed. Doing dishes. Showering is a good one. I often think about this when I'm showering. What does that person think about their body? Cleanliness. Their life. What was that person like 10 or 15 or 20 years ago? What happened then that affected who they are now?

Grumpy old man

Just got back from the party at S's. Yes, I stayed late. Yes the food was marvelous. Yes there were plenty of obnoxious people there. I really begin to wonder if I'm just a grumpy old man or what. There were a few incidents which just really put me in a funk. One prick of an incompetant manager showed up and insisted on watching football all evening because he's in a 'fantasy football' league or six, and wanted to know how his imaginary teams were playing imaginary games. What a prick. At least he left early. E came late, after the poker game started, so, as usual for our games, the chip leaders all contributed chips from our stacks for her to play with. Mostly, one other and me. She then proceded to kick our asses. Betting wildly, and pulling out great hands at the last card. That wasn't so much the problem, but the other player was really grousing about it. He's not one of our regulars, and he's a bit competative for my tastes. As the last three of us were finishing out the poker game, the others started a game of Seven Deadly Sins, a trivial pursuit clone game based on moral vices. It turns out that this gang had all been big players of this game previously, but at various game nights that I wasn't a part of. That kind of rankled. Then E started showing photos (0n her cell phone) of various parties she's had this week. Only she made a point of passing them by me, and showing them to everybody else. Just when I was begining to think that we were begining to be back on civil footing again. My mistake. It was probably just an oversight, but it shows me that I don't even figure in her thinking at all. In the end, the only company I enjoyed for the whole night was S. I was glad to see E again, and was getting on well with her until the end. Maybe I just need some time away from the rest of those people.
In the deadly sins game, one of the 'challenges' was to put moisturizer on all four of your cheeks. No problem. But I made the comment that I was the only one that had a wife to have to explain why my ass smells fruity. I should have known better. I get home, and Wife is pissy that I spent so much time there, when I see these people all day at work. That I see them more than I see her. But then again, she sleeps in another room than me, sleeps all morning before I go to work, and stays up long after I go to bed watching tv or reading. Today, I had to wake her at 1 to go do some cat-sitting for a friend. Half the day gone. Needless to say, she didn't notice the fruity cheeks. Either pair. Welcome home.

In more ways than one, this party will stick with me for a while. Both in memories, and from the cabbage, baked beans, and refried bean dip (three dishes, not all at once.)

Quickie

Just a short post, since I'm in early and have dark time on stage to do my lighting notes.
Gearing up for what's looking to be a huge party at S's new Apt. It's a belated housewarming/birthday party for her.
With POKER! yea!
Though, I'm not fond of huge parties in general, I'm also not fond of some of the people who will be there. Some of them also have a reputation as cutthroat card players who throw manners and morals to the winds. She's also bumming because E won't be able to be there, and she's one of the intended honorees of the party. I'll play it by ear. I may book out early if the company becomes too obnoxious. I really need a drinking night out, and S has already mentioned a band playing at the bar down the block on Friday night. We'll probably hit that after our opening night of Tavern.

Booze

Had a bit of whiskey last night after work, well, almost after work. I keep forgetting how good the stuff is. Time to become an alcoholic again.

I'd like some Bergin, please.

A Friday five

Here's that Friday Five that I remembered. I tried to post last night, but I think blogger was down, 'cause I couldn't access ANYbody's blog.

Nudity/Body awareness
How comfortable are you in your skin, or with others?

1.) Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
Yes. The hot tubbing experiences probably count. My parents also had a cottage on a small lake in N. Michigan. Last cottage on the road, next to a nature preserve/swamp (ie. no neighbors on one side). Whenever I was up there alone, I would occasionally skinny dip (a mis-nomer in my case!). And for the record, sex in a lake/pool is overrated. Water makes lubrication go away.

2.) When you're home alone, do you strip down to get comfortable? Do you ever go out without underwear (bra and/or panties) because it's more comfortable?
Yes. No. (I always wear a bra and panties! Just kidding.) I sleep nude when I can, and am often running around the house nude as well (window peepers beware). However, when wearing clothes, it is more comfortable for a man to wear underwear (something about a furry, sweaty, bag dangling down between your legs...). Not to say that I haven't, but it's a laundry issue, not one of comfort.

3.) Have you ever/Do you use the bathroom with the door open? Are you comfortable using public facilities?
Yes, and yes. Though if I'm going to make a stink, I prefer to not share it with others. See? I know my shit stinks.

4.) When getting intimate with your significant other, lights on or off?
I don't remember. Just kidding. Either, really. On mostly. I like seeing my partner. I love eye contact (when we're both at eye level)

5.) How comfortable are you with body exposure/nudity of others? Group shower rooms?, topless/nude beaches?, breastfeeding in public?
I'm very comfortable with others nudity. It's usually partial clothing that turns me on more than nudity. For the most part, parts is parts. After seeing so much internet porn, you kind of get inured to nudity. But likewise, it's very erotic to see natural bodies of real people. Not the airbrushed, anorexic, silicone enhanced*, models they foist off as the "person-next-door". I love bulges, stretch marks and other marks of being human. Though I do realize that not everybody shares my acceptance of the non-model ideal, I am hesitant to inflict my imperfection on others. I don't like being nude around strangers. I've dealt with the usual teasing and taunting of schoolchildren for being fat all my life, and I see the same sort of bias in everyday life. I sweat a lot (being overweight and nordic both contributing to that, I think), and know that nobody pays to see a wet tee shirt contest for fat men, I always try to wear an over-shirt to attempt a modicum of decency for others. As for breast feeding, I think it's great. I think the stigma should be removed. I've had one or two friends who were comfortable enough with me, if not watching, then at least being present during feeding. It's amazing. They also give milk? :o)
Enough rambling? More than you wanted to know yet?

*a link: SAy No TO SIlicone Breasts SnotsiKim's site. NSFW, a humorous site by a woman obsessed with breasts. Real ones at least.

Busy week so far.

I love this time of a show when things start coming together. The set is mostly in, and details are appearing. The floors are now painted. Furniture goes in tomorrow. My preliminary cue list is done, and delivered to the director and person-we-call-stage-manager. Tomorrow, after a bit of shopping(chandelier chain), I hope to be able to start writing some cues. I also have a bunch of practical lights to make work, though I got the lights for the TV done today, I just have to put a hole in the floor to plug it in in the basement. shit. And outlets and light switchplates. (the TD for Virginia Woolf used nuts (as in "and bolts") to simulate switches. I didn't think it looked too good, and they were further away than ours will be. I'll use real switches.)

The party on sunday was fun. subdued, but fun. Then during the night came the intestinal pains. Mostly gas pain. Though caused me to throw up in the shower the next morning. I called in late for work and rested while the meds I took took effect. By the end of the day, I was tired (I'd been week all day) but stomach felt fine. Seems that S, also at the party, also had them. Hmmmm. We think either the brats (though they looked thoroughly cooked), or the honey mustard, which looked a bit runny, but honey mustard usually is.

Today also had an interesting moment. Our elevator shaft has grafitti. It's a freight elevator, with an open face, no inner grate. From day one in the building, it's been drawn on. Show quotes, signatures of interns, pithy sayings, drunken ramblings (it started, so I'm told, one new years eve painting/drinking party in the elevator). Some of it has been censored, but a lot of it is still funny, others just curious. Boss and a few of us were riding and somebody mentioned painting it out. Boss suggested painting a mural of all of us, the whole three floors worth tall. Somebody then said, "naked". at which point most people said, "no, nobody wants to see that."
Why do people have such a problem with that. One of the ladies said that nobody wanted to see her naked. Now, I'm overly cautious since my blunder with E., so I didn't say anything, but I really wouldn't mind it one bit. I don't know how much I should say, but I hate seeing women with such a low self image, that they believe that. I think women's bodies are beautiful. I'm ambivalent towards naked men... but women are spectacular. Reminds me of a Friday Five I saw in their archive. I'll have to dig that up. Later. I have to get going, I don't want to lock up the building.

Busy Day and Hot tubbing.

Well, my lunch was at 2:30 and didn't last long. I got the big sign project done for Tavern, and then got ready for light focus on Monday. I also spent some time cleaning off my workbench. What a dump.
S stopped by and we looked at a LOOK magazine from 1959. Wow. Most of the ads were either alcohol (whiskey or beer) or tobacco. Some great slice of life pictures from the era. I love going thru those old magazine issues. If that were my job, I'd never get anything done.
Just found out about a party on Sunday night. Whoo Hoo. But the host sold his hot tub. Not that I ever got in... but it was a great social gathering place. Don't get me wrong, I love hot tubbing. I've had some phenomenal times hot tubbing (Ah... Margaret from Pontiac. mmm), but, being this MASSIVE, I obviously have some reservations. I need to feel perfectly comfortable with the people I'm with. For the most part, a fat man in a hot tub is a punch line, and not one I need to encourage. I always desperatly wanted to join E (who always went in the tub), but the rest of the company at the party was never conducive. I always had my suit on under my jeans, with high hopes, but it was never to be. I also never wanted to give her another reason to (what's the word I want; belittle? no. denigrate? no. mock? close, no. scorn? maybe.) look down on me for. She has always had strong opinions on physical attributes of people. She says that she only ridicules people she doesn't like anyway, but her jibes and mockery usually hits pretty close to home. (one of my favorite quotes, "You are so beautiful. I love you. I just don't like you very much right now.")
A friend in Michigan used to have a hot tub. He called it "the LoooOOve Tub" (you gotta get that long OOOO in there. It was clothing optional (and you were never pressured one way or the other). And I didn't opt. When in Rome...
The best time was in Winter. There is NOTHING like hot tubbing in a blizzard. (Those friends who read this have heard this story no doubt, so here it is again. Suck it up.) The heat from the tub melts or deflects the falling snow 10 feet up. But if you lean out, way back out of the tub, face up, you can catch the flakes on your face. Then we'd jump out and go sit on one of the side benches along the patio, into a half a foot of loose snow (leaving an interesting imprint!), and just as quick, back into the tub. Despite the name, it was a house rule that, to keep the water clean, if things progressed too far, you were to find a bedroom. We were a close bunch. Some of the ladies chose suits. Margaret started with a borrowed pair of trunks and a tee shirt. The tee shirt kept ballooning up and she quickly said "what the hell" and lost it. The shorts went later.

One of these days, I'll get a hot tub. I love tubbing too much. With the right friends. Clothing optional of course.

Gotta get moving. Gonna see a show tonight.

ISP ok

I'm dialing up from work and it worked. So no problem with ISP recognizing me. Now, to work.

Hmmm

I feel the need to vent, but don't know how to begin. I'm upset and distressed, and can't pinpoint the source. Just a general anxiety. Woolf had a preview show last night, and there were some things on the set that were not finished that E had wanted done by then. She'd had a bad work day, and, thru various factors, didn't get as much done as she'd hoped. Since I can't help out during the day, I stayed to help out. I asked her if she was going to stay to work, and she said yes, but that she was going out for a drink with S before starting. The biggest job was the cornice, all ladder work, lots of angles, not all of them 90 degs., and some compound angles. I figured that I could start on that, starting on the side without any serious problems, only square corners, and short walls. She told me not to, that she didn't want to try to match my work later on. OK, sounded a bit spurrious, but ok. "What else?" Well, there was trim to go on around the stairway, but since it used some of the same trim as the cornice, she didn't want to start that until the cornice was done; if she were to run out, she wanted to run out on the stairs, not the cornice. Fair enough. "What else?" She found two little (10 minutes each) jobs, some trim and masking. When I'd finished, she was nowhere to be found, off with one of her friends, probably doing other jobs on her list, or pulling materials, or maybe S had picked her up for that drink, but after waiting for a while, with no sign of her, I left. I'd gotten the vague impression that she didn't want me around. I don't know if she didn't want me around when they all went out for drinks (not a problem, I couldn't go if asked, no money) or what the deal was. I went out to my car, poured a drink into my travel mug and took a long walk around that beautiful campus. I finally went home about one.

Restless night. not much good sleep. I've been taking a benedryl or two for hay fever at night. The night before, I took two, and was too drugged to wake up the next morning. Last night I took one. I'm wide awake early, but not much more rested. PT is late this morning, 9:30, so I have time to blog. Having dial up problems, can't connect. Wife mentioned that she couldn't last night either. So I'm writing this in wordpad, and I'll copy and paste it in later. I should probably call the ISP and find out if there's a problem. Oh well. Also, sometime in the middle of the night, I remembered that tomorrow is opening night for Woolf. I remember what happened last time, and can't help wondering if there will be a post-show party somewhere. Wondering if I'll be told about it. Wondering if I'll be in any kind of mood for a party. I sure am not right now; more in the mood to go off by myself with a bottle.

Ok, enough blogging for now. It's 8 and I have to get moving. I also jotted down some ideas for an entry last night during the show. Watching a show about George and Martha's fractured and disintegrating marriage, makes me think about my own. So I may come up with something over lunch. We'll see what kind of mood I'm in.

It's official

I heard it on NPR this morning.

I'm massive.

They were talking about Thomas Herrion, the SF49-er who collapsed in his lockerroom after a game. They said he was "a massive man, 6'-3" and 310 pounds." That pretty much describes me.

What a way to start the day.

Getting there...

Begining to feel a bit back to normal. I'm still at the college, pretending to work, but blogging at high speed in a hotspot. I don't know if I should be insulted or flattered, but I just got my first spam comment (deleted, so don't look). That means I've arrived, right?

I knew things were begining to pick up today when I pulled into the parking lot in Iowa, and parked right next to S, who had also just arrived. She was back! Yay. Until I found out that she had a miserable time over the weekend. Then, Boss started off the day belittling her talents and contributions, and put her into a further funk. Nothing like trying to comfort and cheer up a friend to make your problems seem pretty petty. Hey, you could live in the town of Brown Willy. Of course, a bottle of Captain Morgan doesn't hurt either. Gods, this stuff is like nectar. I've been dry way too long.

I love watching a set come together. It's looking more and more like a lived in house. E and her friends are working on the trim and windows now. More like E is working, and her friends are watching. And how much Cher is too much? Looks like we're gonna find out. The beat goes on, and I got you, babe! (always makes me think of the film, Groundhog Day. Great movie.)

I now also have another debate. How long can I keep my pay rise secret from Wife? I suppose I shouldn't count my chickens 'til they're hatched. I'm not sure how much my take home will be.
(Hmmm, now it's some technocrap. Nope, still Cher. Technocher? It's just wrong. like Technosinatra! Just say no!)

I suppose I should wrap this up, and get back to finish my work. I'm putting lables on cues for a light board that doesn't exist yet. (the theatre is getting a new light board, but lacking one part, has been delayed for a week and a half now. I'm creating a show disk to just drop in and run from when it does come in. Could be opening night.) Shit, I also have to email the que list to E so she has the final list for her Book.

Maybe I'll change settings to only allow comments from Bloggers... any comments?

Bad week

It's been a long week, with lots of stress, and lots of work on Woolf. I miss my friends who are out of town. I'm working closely with E, and I miss the relationship we used to have. She clearly doesn't miss it one bit. I wish I could dismiss her as easily. I do. I don't understand what I want from her. I really want a drink. Since I'm not at my own theatre, I don't have a stash that I can dip into whenever I get done working. E always stays late working, but she's always either on the phone, or having her friends stop in to visit. (it just hit me that maybe she's more like me than I thought. I wonder why SHE doesn't want to go home?)
The only redeeming aspect of the week, is that after a long weekend working, putting in extra hours hooking up the six dozen prax in this show, and force queing the show, and doing radical color changes (thank gods for easy access catwalks!), the show is looking halfway decent, and is pretty much done. It's close to what I saw, and I think the director is satisfied.

This weekend was also the biggest music festival in the region. And I was in rehearsal all weekend. Not a big loss, there were only one or two bands I really wanted to see. Not worth getting the admission button and braving parking for that. But that festival has always been a special thing for me. I have some special memories of time with Becky there. That's another reason I've been down all week.

Time to spend some of my design fee stash on some booze. Talk about pissing away my life.