You'll have to visit the site for all the pictures (the title is a link), they're worth it, especially the mutant Han Solo toy. I have a particular beef with Christmas, and this is just a part of it. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.
Here's the sampling...
Once again,
The A.V. Club presents its annual guide to the best gifts that very little money can buy.
Preeminent Car ($1, from $1.99)Ah, crappy Chinese knockoffs. What would the annual Cheap Toy Roundup be without you? For one thing, it'd be a lot shorter on hilarious items like the charmingly confusing "Preeminent Car." Silly Chinese toy manufacturers, that isn't a car, it's a little plastic tour bus. Maybe the flowery stickers on the side proclaiming it to be "Beautiful Fashion Set Super Sweet Motorbus" should have been a hint. On the other hand, the manufacturers apparently aren't too alert, as they somehow missed the photos of Barbie on the top of the bus, and enthusiastically labeled Preeminent Car as "100% New Concept." Still, Preeminent Car's best feature by far is the little plastic "Line Control" device connected to it with a wire, so that while your child is pretending she's playing with an actual Barbie Tour Bus instead of a bargain-basement dollar version, she can also pretend it has a functional remote control. But hey, aren't good toys all about encouraging kids to exercise their creativity?
Paw Pens ($1.19, from $3.99)There's nothing quite as fluffy and loveable as a cute little teddy bear… being impaled on a fuzzy-wuzzy widdle stake that's half as wide as its tormented, distorted body. Or is this adorable little teddy just disturbingly well-endowed? You be the judge.
Fun With CandlesFun With Sand ($1.99 each)It's never too early to urge children to take a deep, calming breath and relax. Ergo these two craft kits, which let kids tap into the Zen within. Imagine the palliative effect of molding lightly scented wax into a pretty butterfly. And then setting it on fire. Or imagine the inner peace that comes from carefully pouring colored sand into quaint pastoral scenes. And then accidentally knocking it into the shag carpet. The little ones will be blissed out, while their parents will be extra-nervous.
MegaBloks Dragons: Spell Casters Unleash ($4.79, from $8.99)
The awkward name of this particular MegaBloks Dragons tableau is "Spell Casters Unleash," but it looks more like "Hangover Dragon Disaster." Atop a plastic perch, a shriveled-looking dragon vomits forth a plastic mass of what's probably supposed to be fire, but looks more like a long evening's worth of partially digested Harvey Wallbangers. Below, a bald, irked-looking warrior hides under what's probably supposed to be a magic shield, but looks more like an umbrella, a.k.a. the latest in anti-dragon-barf technology. Not included with this playset: empty booze bottles, a little shriveled plastic AA handbook, and some dragon-sized Alka Seltzer.
Star Wars: Jedi Force: Han Solo With Jet Bike ($6.89, from $10.99)The Han Solo Jedi Force action figure comes with a sweet-ass jet bike for Han to tool around on as he explores the universe. But in order to accommodate the bike's contours, he unfortunately boasts freakishly large hands, and feet roughly twice as large as his unnervingly tiny head. It's the toy-world version of adaptation taken to its terrifying extreme!
Stretchy Body Bits ($1.19, from $2.99)In spite of the package's educational, upbeat blurb about the importance of maintaining a "body working as a healthy whole," this sack of miniature rubbery severed body parts—an ear, nose, hand, and foot—looks more like some murderous psychopath missed a few chunks when hiding his latest crop of dismembered corpses in a distinctly unhealthy hole. At least he's an equal-opportunity murderer, judging from the variety of skin colors on display in his leftovers bin.
1 Modern Circle: Barbie Producer ($9.99, from $28.99)At this point in her auspicious career, Barbie has toiled in every trade short of truck-stop hooker. The 1 Modern Circle Barbie Producer doll thrillingly reintroduces Barbie as an "indie film producer looking to cast her leading man." The back of the box offers a tantalizing glimpse into Barbie's life: "Barbie immediately turns to her trusted assistant Melody and says ‘Melody, your priority is to set up interviews with prospective additional crew.'" Can your child handle the excitement? Producer Barbie, the Christine Vachon of the doll world, comes with a laptop, midriff-baring outfit, and cell phone to hurl angrily at Melody's stupid fucking head after she forgets to pick up Barbie's toy poodle from the groomer.
Clothes That Went To A Party DVDFilm! Film! Film! DVD ($2 each, from $7.99)Inexplicable, yet appealingly cheap, Media Movies & More's cut-rate DVD collection includes such familiar, beloved, grainily reproduced childhood fables as
The Little Mermaid,
Snow White,
Hansel And Gretel, and, er,
Clothes That Went To A Party. No word yet on the availability of the sequel,
Shoes That Stayed Home And Got Miserably, Stinking Drunk On Their Own. Attempts to actually view and comprehend
Clothes That Went To A Party were baffled by a disc so flawed that it won't play past the first excruciating 11 seconds. Attempts to view another MMM title,
Film! Film! Film! (or, as the title song puts it, "Feeeeeeelm, feeeeeeelm, feeeeeeelm!") were more successful in that the DVD played, but less successful in that
The A.V. Club actually ended up watching it. Brrrr.
Fairy Princess ($1, from $1.99)Fairy-princess accoutrements of yesteryear: A poofy dress, a tiara, a wand, maybe some fairy wings. Fairy-princess accoutrements of today: A fake pink plastic cell phone and a couple of hairclips shaped like clunky, uncomfortable shoes. With, um, fairy wings on them. Oh, the magic!