Bored, listless, and morose

Looking back at my last post, I realize that I interpreted the question differently than I did just now. I don't often go to the cinema to see movies, but I'm constantly watching movies. I re-watch my favorites on DVD or (pretty rarely anymore) VHS. Or I check out something odd from the library, or rent. Tonight at work we got out the video projector, strung up a white drape, and ran a movie off my laptop, with some kickin' computer speakers. It was only three of us, but always enjoyable. We saw the car chase excuse for a film, Gone in Sixty Seconds. Fluffy, action packed, and Nick Cage is always good, and you really can't go wrong with Angellina Jolie (except with that HAIR!). Although I also get very melancholy sitting alone in a movie. It just screams to have somebody to cuddle with, or at least hold hands. I used to do that with a girlfriend when we watched movies. She used to request scary movies, so she could use it as an excuse to grab me, without the wife getting too upset. I'd sit on the couch with a blanket over me, she'd sit on the cushion next to me, at a respectable distance, and after a while share my blanket, all as a pretext to hold hands. She died just over a year ago of breast cancer. That's what I remember most. The friendly, light, casual, non-sugestive, non-sexual, touches that she'd give me. I don't have anybody that feels that way about me any more. And very few that I can get away with that kind of touching with too.
I hang out here at work a lot. I got broadband, a stash of booze, and quiet.
I guess that I should go home now, even though wife doesn't expect me quite yet.
ah well. life as an old married man.

I think tomorrow may be better. A walk in the gardens may be in the offing.

Monday Meme

Monday Meme 6 : 2005-06-27 :

1. What is the last movie you watched? What did you think of it?

King Arthur. I liked the fact that it was set in the proper period. Other than that, I wasn't impressed.

2. What movies are you looking forward to seeing this summer?

Star Wars III, and Batman V. There are also some live shows I'd like to see.

3. Do you prefer to watch movies in the theater or at home?

I love the size and sound of movies in the theater, but I hate crowds, and I hate that people are so conditioned by television and video that they feel free to talk and chat and whatever else they do at home, disrupting my movie experience.

4. Do you like to snack while watching a movie? If so, what do you choose to eat?

Popcorn, and if I'm not at home, with lots of theater butter.

5. What book would you most want to have made into a movie? Who would you recommend for the leading roles?

I'd love to have Jackson to the Hobbit, and maybe some stories from The Silmarilion (Beren and Luthien would be a kick-ass movie. So would Turin Turambar, he battles a dragon.) Most of my other favorites have already been done pretty well. Dune, LotR, Godfather. Many of my other favorites are too internal to translate well to screen.


While we're on the topic, todays rambling link: The list of Movie Mistakes
http://www.moviemistakes.com/

Self censoring?

Firstly I've come up with a new way to share my oddness with you. I think I'll post a link from my bookmark file with each post. Most of these have been around my bookmarks for quite a while, all of them I've found interesting at some point or other. I've got a lot of bookmarks all filed by category such as Celtic, Food/Drink, Geneology, Odd/Weird/Perverse, etc. This one was loose in the Entertainment folder.
http://gorm.com/index.htm
We now return you to your regularly scheduled post, already in progress.

...so I started thinking, why am I doing this? Who is it for? Ultimately for me. is the only answer. It's cathartic, it promotes self reflection and thought. But if nobody ever reads it why bother. I don't know. Why not? There is the odd chance that sombody will hit it from Blogspots random generator. I'm not sure that I want to tell my friends about this site, I have, and do, and probably will continue to talk about them, saying things that I probably will never have the guts to say to them in person. Not necessarily bad things, just things that would embarass me or them, whereas here, they can just ignore them and pretend they never saw them, or talk to me about it. Some things I wouldn't mind them knowing, but, like I said, I'd never have the balls to tell them. Then I remembered a nagging bit of trivia. I don't even remember where I got it. Probably some movie or other. But there was a man (villain?) who always left a loophole in all his plans. The victim/subject/hero could always save himself as long as he was clever enough to find it. I realize that I inadvertantly left such a hole. I left a comment on one of their blogs. From there, they can click my name and see my blog.
See, I don't have to censor myself, I can still get the value of writing it, and I'll also never know if it's being read. Unless it's so incendiary that one of them points out to me, or posts a comment, that they've seen it.
I think everybody wins.

Fun night out

Went to a nearby town to see a show with the same three ladies. I offered to drive the 30 min, but don't have a CD in the car. That settles it, E drives. Hmm. gotta say that they (two of them at least) have very annoying music tastes. All very similar sounding Brittany Aguilera clone 'dance music'. Pop 40 drivel. Thankfully not a long drive. My musical tastes are very eclectic, and the only thing I really dislike is rap. So while this was not what I'd choose, I can suck it up.
The show was ok. A musical version of Spitfire Grill. Better resolved story than the movie, not great music. The girls all disappeared outside during intermission, and came back and told me that they were planning to go to a local gay bar after the show. I have no problem with it, so I go along. It's a fun place, no hassles. They have a pool table, dart boards, karaoke and tonight's special, male strippers.
I played darts last time we all went, sometimes with somebody else, some with just myself. They played pool. They tend to stay in their little clique so since I had distanced myself, I was rather bored. Tonight I played pool. I haven't played in maybe 20 years, but played quite a bit growing up. I made some really boner shots, but also had some nice multiples. Better pool shooter than bowler (whew is that a sad sight to see). We shot quite a few games, trading partners at one point, so that I was shooting with N first, then with S. S and E kept darting off to the other end of the bar to watch the strippers, while N and I chatted and shot pool. At one point, E even flashed ... her BRA. Didn't do anything for me. Having previously worked with her wearing a white spaghetti-string t-shirt and no bra, this was not erotic at all.
After a while, they decide to switch to darts. My game. I'm not a great dart shooter, but better than average. However, I ask the time. Shit, almost 1 am. Wife tends to get grouchy when I'm out too late, too often. She is almost totally housebound, and gets jealous of me having fun with coworkers (but hey, they're the only friends I have). If I'm to maintain any kind of domestic tranquility, or at least to get to do this again, I'd better go. I don't want to, I have to.
At home I blame it all on E. Good news that I wasn't driving, bad news that I "was at the whim of another driver to come home." and that the bar action took place in the other town. Everythings fine and dandy. Especially since I'll be home all weekend, except for a dinner Saturday night. Harmony restored.
I'm glad to finally be included into their clique on occasion. It took a bit of prodding and complaining to get them to realize that just because I'm not gay doesn't mean that I won't go with them to stripper night at the gay bar (S is bi, E is very friendly with S, but I think that they are really just best of friends who are totally comfortable with each other. I won't say it won't happen, but not at this point). Hey, if lesbian N can put up with it happening in the vicinity, why should I be offended? I have no problem with nudity of any sort. I surf enough porn to have seen just about everything, I just don't get turned on by men. And I'm pretty sure that gay men will be just about as attracted to me as women are. ie. none at all.
I genuinly like all these people. I could even find myself loving them. But I also find myself able to love a lot of women. Very few of them I've even responded to, let alone acted on. I've never met a woman I couldn't find attractive in some way, physical, mental, intellectual, whatever.

Whoa. I think that may be a topic for some other post. Don't get me started or I'll go on all night. or at least until wife gets her head out of the book she's undoubtedly reading in the other room to find out why my light's still on.

Ten Minutes to Strip Poker

This was a post I wrote up last night at 4 am when I couldn't sleep, and didn't have my laptop handy.

Poker night again.
Four people showed up. We were to have a fifth, but he bailed, leaving me alone with three other beautiful women, each of whom I find attractive in very different ways, and to different degrees.
First was N. who is striking in her beauty. Confident, bold, yet personally reserved. As much as I've always been physical with my friends (strike that. Female friends. I'm very sexist.), and enjoy giving shoulder rubs or hugs, perhaps because she is gay, N is one who has never invited, implicitly, physical contact, by not being physical with me. She's also the oldest, and most mature of the group, being a full 10 years younger than me.
Next was S, the youngest of our group. Personally insecure (but getting better...), vibrant, vivacious, and voluptuous. She is very outgoing and fun-loving. We've gotten a bit closer in the past couple months, though she still keeps her private life private from me. While getting to know her, if I pry too much, she'll tell me so.
The last is E. She's the one I've known the longest here. Though only in the past three years or so have I gotten to know her well. I've always been very attracted to her. She's beautiful, friendly, intelligent, has an incredible maturity that also hides an incredible immaturity. She is a study in contrasts. She is a party girl, but is also a single working mom. She's a wild, club-hopping, karaoke-singing, girl who is also a devout Catholic. She's had a wild past, and isn't above it now when the alcohol flows, but regrets it, and tries to stiffle it. She of all three of them is the most likely to play strip poker. The other two... not so much (ok not likely at all!)
As usual, as the alcohol flowed, and conversation got raunchier, somebody brought up an old joke with us, "10 minutes to strip poker!"
Of course it's been 10 minutes to strip poker for 6 months now, and it still doesn't look likely to happen. Ever. S has said, "I've never been that drunk to flash my boobs." N is hard to judge. She might but only "with a lover". E... I know that E never will in front of me. I've confessed to her previously, that I regret not being part of her crowd when she was in her wild days, that I'm jealous of the various people of our group who have witnessed her flashing, and that I've very attracted to her. That seriously creeped her out (for several reasons I totally understand), and she put a total stop to any kind of physical contact from me. So we're strictly professional now.
But all in all, it was the most fun we've had for quite a while at our poker nights. Jokes were also made about my harem. I've had those jokes before, with different groups of ladies, but it's really only been true on one occasion.
The real capper to the evening was in the parking lot. E and I started chatting by her car. She loves to chat. I love to listen. We had a great chat. Nothing serious, nothing personal. I kept my hands to myself and was a good boy (though I really miss the physical contact of the occasional hug from her. She gave great hugs). Afterwards, as I got into my car, I glanced at the clock. 12:30. Oh well, so much for telling the Wife that I wouldn't be too late...

I'm seeing E again tonight (hmmm. I do sound more than a little obsessed with her don't I?) We'll see how that goes without alcohol.

A Friday Five

1. Can you share a tale of a favorite summer cookout/get together?
For about 4 years in a row, our family went camping on Memorial day weekend at a certain state park with 3 or 4 other family friends. Right on Lake Michigan (though WAY too cold to swim). About 4:30 or 5 became happy hour. Drinks and hors d'oeuvres were brought out and shared with the group. Lots of fun and late night bonfires. Great memories.

2. What is a favorite summer ritual of yours?
Until this year, I would have said 'The Unemployment Tango' (I'd go on 10 week summer layoff). Now, I don't really have one.

3. After a long hot summer day, what is your favorite way to quench your thirst?
There is still nothing like iced tea. No lemon. No sweeteners. If I'm hot and thirsty enough, even instant tea is refreshing as long as it's cold.

4. The 4th of July is coming up, what plans, if any, do you have?
May go to a cookout at a friends house. I've never been a big fan of home fireworks, though, I don't see much point in being patriotic by using small explosives.

5. What are you looking forward to doing most before the summer ends?
I want to get away for a weekend alone to meet a friend in Iowa (halfway for each of us) to exchange some momentos of a dear dear friend who died a year ago.

Father

Happy Fathers day.
I learned a lot from my dad. I learned how to cook on a charcoal grill. I learned how to enjoy camping, and I mean roughing it, in a tent, cooking over a fire. I learned how to love fixing things, taking them apart, putting them back together, rudimentary wood and metal skills. I learned honesty and integrity.
I also have noticed that I share his love of alcohol. The last time I visited, every night, he would have 2 or three scotches before bed, staying up late, always later than mom.
I don't know how happy he is. I don't know if he is proud of me or not. I know that he was disappointed that I didn't go into science like he did, he's a chemist, working his way up the ranks in Dow Chem. from working at the bench doing real science, to being a manager, and not keeping his hand in. I remember the day he came home and announced his promotion offer. It meant a big raise, and opportunity for future growth, but it also meant that he no longer got to do the hands-on work that he loves. He took the job. He also learned a lot of fields of chemistry. He loved organic, started in it, but also learned in-organic, plastics and even some pharmaceutical, all thru having to manage those departments.
I think I probably could have gone into the sciences, but I hated book learning. I hated all the math and science classes after 11th grade. Although I know that he respects the fact that, contrary to his first inclinations, I AM able to earn a living in theatre, and keep a wife. Not lavishly, but not on welfare. I just wish he could see more of my shows. He's down in Florida now. Doing the typical retirement thing. Condo with gators in the back yard. Small dogs kept on a short leash because of the aformentioned yard ornaments. Voting Republican because of moral values, hating Clinton for the same reason. Doing physical therapy workouts two or three times a week because of his heart bypasses and replaced knees and hips. Looking more and more like his dad. Me? I get to look more and more like my Brother. Swell.

Bedtime w/ Friday five

1. What do you wear to bed?
Usually nothing. At most I wear some underwear or other closefitting thing. If company is over, and there is a chance either of us will be wandering in the night, I'll wear some sweats, but they usually just tangle around my legs and keep me awake.

2. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Both. I sleep alone in a single bed, and usually turn at least once in the night. Though my pillows are against the wall on the right side of the bed.

3. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No, I usually end up with at least one live animal down at my feet. Cat usually.

4. Blanket/bed hog?
Hard to say. I don't think so. I usually have some kind of fan blowing on me, but I hate feeling the breeze, so I usually have at least a sheet over me. In winter, it's usually two blankets, or a bedspread and a blanket, but I often kick one of them off in the night.

5. Do you make your bed everyday?
Kind of. What I do, is to at least pull the bedspread up to, or over, the pillows. This is a necessary buffer in case of the occassional pile of hairball/food/spittle left by one of the cats.

Oh, here's a freebie...
I do snore, and if I'm particularly mentally stressed, or in a strange bedroom, I've been known to sleep walk (what happens is that I wake up, after dreaming up a bizzare situation, and persist in believing the situation, ie trying to find a light switch for the wrong room, or believing that something has slipped between the sheets and mattress and that the sheets must be removed to retrieve it.). Rather unsettling to say the least. Except for that joke about the duck...

Dwindling circle

We had a poker night at work last night. We've had them off and on for the past 6-8 months. It started with 7-9 people. Last night there were 5. I got a set of chips for Christmas last year, and asked around various co-workers and friends that I can tolerate, to see who might be interested. My first thought was to have a very small buy-in, say 5 dollars or so. Small enough that it wouldn't break anybody to play, and small enough that tempers wouldn't get wild, and a fixed amount so that nobody could lose more than that in a night. That idea kinda went out the window right away. We found that we were serious enough players that we could play with chips and no buy-in and be real with the 'money'. It's more fun that way. It's always been by invitation only. There are several people who work here that we can't stand, who would definitly horn their way in if they knew about it. Well, over the past half season, we've lost two of our regulars. Last night kind of had a strange vibe. One of the ladys got in a funk and went quiet for a while, and never would talk to us about why. She eventually opened back up and was her usual vibrant vivacious self, but she never explained what or who set her off. That always bothers me. I'm kind of paranoid now about my relationships with these people. In the past, I've done and said things that have strained and fractured one particular relationship. What hurt most was that the young lady didn't tell me at the time that I was being an asshole. She wrote me a letter some days later, telling me the new ground rules for our working relationship. And yes, she's one of our poker group too. One of our group moved out of state to a new job. One got fired, and is no longer welcome in the building, though we've met at one of our apartments on one occasion, we usually meet at work. But, as I said, the usual comaraderie was not quite what it used to be, and it broke up a little early. Still a fun time, but not what it once was.
Then again I'm going into one of my funks, and it could have been just me.

Another quiz

About Me Personality Quiz
Created by jeffq1985 and taken 70635 times on bzoink!
What is your name?	Viking
How old are you?	Old
When is your Birthday?	I don't say. Call it 4-1
What is your zodiac sign?	Pisces
Where were you born?	Indiana
Where do you live now?	Illinois
What color eyes do you have?	Grey
What color hair do you have?	Blond or none
How tall are you?	6'2
How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies)	too much
What is your race?	German-American
What is your worst fear?	Lingering debilitating illness
Do you smoke?	no
Do you drink?	yes
Do you cuss?	yes
Do you use drugs?	Illegal? no OTC? yes
Have you ever or will you ever steal?	yes
Are you dependable and/or trustworthy?	yes
Do you play in a band or play an instrument?	no
Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?	no
If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be?	Starkweather
Do you suffer from depression disorder?	not diagnosed
If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be?	Sudden Heart Attack or accident
Have you ever tried to commit suicide?	no
Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else?	no
What subculture do you belong too?	theatre
Are you evil?	no
Do you believe that you can be possesed?	yes
Are you a paranoid person?	no
Do you ever get jealous of somebody else?	yes
Are you obsessive and/or compulsive?	yes
Are you a violent person?	no
Do you take your anger out on other people?	no
Do you blame other people for your mistakes?	no
What is your favorite game?	poker
What is your favorite movie?	Godfather
Who is your favorite band?	Vas
What is your favorite song?	Unfolding
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?	Light fiction
What is your favorite color?	Dark (midnight) blue
What is your favorite food?	Steak
What is your favorite drink?	Rum
Do you own a pari of converse?	no
Do you own a pair of dickies?	no
Would you ever kill yourself or someone else?	yes
Are you a virgin?	no
Are you kinky?	no
Do you like biting?	no
Do you masturbate?	yes
Do you watch pornography?	yes
Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color?	no
Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way?	no
Are you hyper active person?	no
Are you religious?	no
Do you have any self inflicted scars?	yes
Does pain turn you on?	no
Do you stand for originality and creativity?	yes
Do you like meeting new people?	yes
What do you like most about life?	friends
What do you dislike most about life?	stagnancy
Do you believe in love at first fright?	no
Have you ever pierced a body part yourself?	no
Have you ever had to beg for dinner money?	no
Do you own a car?	yes
Have you been to jail, yet?	no
Are your clothes held together with safety pins?	no
Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows?	no
Have you ever vomit while making out?	no
Have you held a job for less than a day?	no
Do you own more than two pair of jeans?	no
Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?	yes
Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house?	no
Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude?	no
Does the world piss you off?	sometimes
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

Monday Meme

I stated looking for online surveys/quizzes to help me tell you what I'm like. I came across the Monday Meme, kinda like the Friday Five. Here's this week's, Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot.

1. Do you like hot weather? Does it get hot where you live? What is the best way to spend a hot, summer day?

Not as much as cold weather. You can always put on more clothes. Not many people want to see that much of me.

2. Do you like spicy food? If so, what is your favorite dish? What is the spiciest food you've ever eaten?

I like spicy flavorfull food. I don't see much point, though, in having food so hot for hot's sake that you can't taste the food. The hottest was Indonesian Sambal sauce.

3. What do you find "hot" in a man/woman? What is the first thing you notice about someone who is hot? Do you ever think of yourself as hot?

The first thing I notice about a woman is her self confidence. That's a huge turn-on. Physically, I find the sexiest body part of a woman is her back. From the neck all the way down to her butt. Legs are great too.
Me? Hot? Hardly. I have nice legs, but hardly ever wear shorts.

4. List 3 hot trends that you secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy:

Hmm. toughie. Not many 'trends' that I enjoy. I love that poker is taking off. I've always loved poker, and Texas Hold-em is a great variant, though the classics of Stud and Draw are great too.
I guess that as a horny male, I love the growing trend of scantilly clad women on these reality shows. That's one of the more secret ones.
Ok, one more. Hmm.
Blogging. Still secret. Still enjoying it.

5. Are you hot-headed or quick to anger? How do you react when you are angry or frustrated? What do you do to cool down?

Not very hot headed. I'm more the simmerer. I'll ingest it, let it ferment, and then purge it later alone. I often meditate, I often drink too much (hee hee, meditate or medicate?). I write things down, either to publish or email, or just to delete.

Viking musings

I'm sitting here, bored, at work, waiting for the second show of the day, so I thought I'd do some updating on this blog thing I've started. Cool picture huh? Then I realized that I should explain the whole Viking thing.
A long time ago, back in college, I fell in with a group of history buffs called the Society for Creative Anachronism. They recreate the middle ages (years 600-1600), in some semblance of accuracy, for fun and education. In this group, you choose a period, a personna, to focus your studies. I've always loved the culture, so I chose the Norse, 10th Century, the age of exploration and expansion. The begining of their decline. I'm actually only a little bit Swedish, mostly northern German, but I look the part to the T. As a result of more than 20 years of off-and-on-again association with this group, I've become known as a viking in more than a few states (including the state of inebriation). Considering their moral code and honor system, I could have worse role models. I could have been Venetian for example!!
So while I'm currently not active in the group, I still practice many of the arts and crafts I learned in the group. Makes for strange hobbies: Heraldry, calligraphy, chainmail, woodcarving, liqueur making, costuming, etc.

viking profile 

Dealing with low expectations

At work we're presenting a one-woman show. For the past month, the boss has been saying that it's just a small show, no big amount of work. Keep it simple. Two days ago I get a videotape of the show. Either Boss is blind, or he doesn't want the show to be as good as it can be. I design the lights for the shows, and can see that, on the tape, there are shifts and color changes, which are really involved, and better yet, artistically motivated by the story. The next day, we have our first and last meeting with the Artist. We walk thru the script (which she brought with her, nothing like foreplanning), and she details what she'd like to see. I've already made some color decisions, and with a few minor changes, can accomodate her. Not a big problem, but it's no small show. it averages out to two light changes per page of script. That's a lot. Not HUGE, but more than I was expecting. I spend the next morning writing cues, and by shortly after noon, get under way with a first and final dress rehearsal. The show looks really great. The set is a couple of fabric draped benches, but with no skimping on fabric, lots of layers to give a regal look, and a couple of hanging swags of fabric. The floor was originally going to be flat black, but we opted for a sand-colored faux texture treatment (which happened overnight). Simple, but pretty. We're only doing 4 performances of the show, so I can see why Boss wanted to keep it simple. But we're professionals dammit. We, as a company, are judged on how we present a show, regardless of who's show it is. We build a reputation based on how we are to work with, and whether we 'give satisfaction'. I don't care whether we have only 10 tickets sold or not, that's somebody elses failing. My department is going to look fabulous.
So is it being anal to want to do more and better when Boss has low expectations?

A fresh start

This isn't the first time I've tried this sort of thing. Back in the old days, before there were 'Blogs', there were on-line diaries. I had one for a while. Back when my life was interesting, five or more years or so ago. On OpenDiary.com. It was annoying since it kept crashing and I'd lose a long rambling diatribe as soon as I'd cathartically purged it from my consciousness. You just can't re-create something that cleansing. It loses something. I started writing my postings in Word and then pasting them in. Then I discovered I couldn't print my posts, to save them for myself (though most of those posts, and maybe some of these, would get me into a LOT of trouble at home with Wife). Then my life got dull again. Lots of people came into my life. Lots of people left it. One very dear person left it. She was the main impetus to me starting the OD thing in the first place. Cancer Sucks. Then I stopped posting for long stretches. Then they changed their policy that if you didn't post frequently (or, at least, more frequently than I), they were going to purge your diary. I let them, and haven't been back.

So here I am again. Back at the online diary thing again. New face. Same old shit. You may notice that a lot of my postings will be at early hours. I often have trouble sleeping, and there are several people of my acquaintance who will verify that I like to go online and write long, heartfelt, and usually quite meaningless drivel in emails. Now it can be here, without cluttering up their mailbox.